Warning: Guilt May Be Hazardous to Your Health

By Marcia Blau, L.C.S.W.

Whether it was shmeared on a Sunday bagel or served neatly on a communion wafer, most of us have had an ample taste of guilt. In our Judeo/Christian culture, guilt is a relatively prominent theme. And as with most things psychological, it is dangerous when taken in large doses.

The range of guilt feelings runs the gamut from being simply annoying to a version that is emotionally crippling and even disorienting. In my own family, I bore witness to both extremes when I was a teenager.

One of my Jewish grandmothers was an amateur guilt provoker. Upon hearing that I chose to go on a date instead of attending a family dinner, she tried her best to manipulate. “You’d rather be with some boy than with your own grandparents?” she nudged. Her attempt was so transparent it was almost cute.

My other Jewish grandmother, the rigid Romanian one, was a guilt trip professional. She left her imprint by warning me that I would feel guilty when she died because I didn’t visit her enough. Two weeks later she passed away and I was hurled into a horrifying, guilt-driven depression.

At its best, a healthy dose of guilt can help someone gain discipline or become more ethical. But at an unhealthy level, guilt can push an individual into an excruciating inner conflict between being true to oneself and wanting to please someone else. This conflict may be so deep and treacherous that it moves one into the realm of identity confusion and painful depression.

As a holistic psychotherapist, I have witnessed the often-torturous struggles many have with guilt. I have even learned to read a person’s religious orientation by the way it manifests.

There is a particular loss of self-confidence that goes along with Jewish guilt. The attempt to hold onto oneself in the face of familial disapproval is at the center of this battle.

Christians, especially Catholics, tend to be plagued with shame alongside their guilt. That is even worse. From birth, many people who grow up in Catholic homes are taught to keep their attention on everyone else’s desires. They learn that it is “selfish” to focus inward. As adults, they often lack an ability to recognize their own wants.

Guilt is such a far-reaching part of our cultural thinking that even Buddhists talk about this negative, paralyzing emotion that stems from a non-acceptance of oneself. For them, repentance is the only way out.

With all the Hail Marys and self-recriminations, how do we stop the pain from whirling around our psyches?

The first step out of guilt is to recognize it. Most of us are habitual in our behavior. Often we go on for years doing things as we always have. So, noticing that you are not happy with the way things are is the beginning of changing this pattern.

Resentment is the particular form of discontent that usually accompanies guilt. Just as anger is the first step away from depression, because it moves the painful feelings out of you, resentment works similarly with guilt. It takes your focus off being angry with yourself and shows you that you don’t like how the other person is behaving.

Stand back and look at the person who is provoking your guilt. All too often we give authority to people whose sensibilities we don’t respect. Do you want to comply with this person’s requests?

There is a difference between feeling guilty and being guilty. Ask yourself whether what you have done is something you actually feel is wrong or if you have bought someone else’s interpretation.

By the time I hit my 20s, I realized that my amateur Jewish grandmother was an insatiable woman. No matter what I did for her, she remained dissatisfied. This was a liberating realization. Since the result would always be the same, I could do what felt right to me. And her dissatisfaction no longer provoked my guilt.

On occasion you may feel guilty about something you do. That is part of human nature. But it is important to have your own sense of right and wrong.

When you make a mistake, try to move past it. Loving yourself unconditionally is about learning to forgive yourself. No one benefits from your beating yourself up. So whatever you’ve done…acknowledge it, make amends, decide not to repeat it, and simply let it go.

Marcia Blau, L.C.S.W. is a holistic psychotherapist who practices in NYC. For more than 22 years she has been working with individuals, couples and families. Having written many articles, she is now authoring her first book. Contact: (212) 666-2715.