What does it mean to frolic? It is simply, being playful with your partner. Your partner is the center of your focus, not his/her genitals. There are no standards to uphold. You are no longer attached to the goal of orgasm. You are enthralled by the moment. There is no beginning or end. Your physical intimacy with your partner is fueled by a symbiotic sexual energy – his/ her pleasure is yours. There is no pressure in frolicking – you are already getting what you want. When I think of how I want to have sex, or what sex means to me, this is the word I use. I promise you, frolicking has never left me feeling unfulfilled.
So how does frolicking compare to our standard definition of sex? The definition that comes to mind is this: Sex is the physical activity that centers around our erotic body parts and usually follows this particular formulate: the introduction – foreplay, the main act – fucking (external stimulation with/without penetration), and the grand finale – orgasm. The simplicity of this definition makes sex manageable for we exist in a society where conversations about sex is taboo. So even if you are not able to guess what your partner’s preferences are during sex, and are paralyzed by shame to never ask your partner, you can still get “sex” done. Frolicking is quite the opposite. Frolicking is fluid – your sexual experience evolves as the activity unfolds. Frolicking is person centered (not genitals) and pleasure focused (not orgasm). Frolicking is being staying adaptive at all times and adhering no to expectations.
The standard definition of sex will work for as long as your mind and body are able to turn on readily to sex. But can this definition of sex hold itself against the changes that occur throughout life? Changes that our bodies go through because of aging, illness and/or disabilities? Changes that affect our psychology such as shifts in relationship dynamics, professional ups and downs and/or financial woes? With these emotional challenges on our mind, and physical stressors on our bodies, will we be able to find it in ourselves to get to the finishing line and get each other off? In my diverse interactions with countless of people at Please and in my work in healthcare, the answer is always no. This formula for sex is not resilient against life itself and is severely limits sexual possibilities.
Hence it is important that we broaden our definition of sex now. We need to embrace that the way we have sex is affected by our circumstances outside of the bedroom. Our desire and ability to have sex reflects what our bodies are capable of and the readiness of our psyche at that particular moment in time. The more fluid our definition of sex, the more opportunities we can create for ourselves to experience pleasure and deepen intimacy with our partners.
Pleasure is unique and there is no standard in sex. There is no such thing as good or bad sex. These are key things to remember when we set out to make our own definitions. What if sex was simply being tender or are physical acts that feel kind and cheeky? What if we just mutually masturbated one another? Can we move away from waiting for sex to start by upholding the erection and wet vaginas as standards of “we are ready?” What if I said that my fucking you means my stroking you mentally? What if sex was just about holding each other in silence? Can we challenge ourselves and call attention to this simple yet important fact: we are fucking a person, not just their genitals?! I was wrong before – that IS, the standard for sex.
This is why frolicking – my definition of sex works for me. When I am frolicking, my spirit is kind and playful, my thoughts are present in the moment, my heart is open and free, my words are affectionate and validating, my body is soft, warm and eager. I am uninhibited yet mindful. I am indulgently deliberate. Right now, this second, is my favorite moment. Everything else is a surprise. My partner is my focus. His entire person turns me on. His pleasure is continuous – it does not have a beginning, middle or end; and it keeps fueling mine. He does the same for me. It feels like we can do this forever or end it now. Either way, it does not matter. We are frolicking and are already fucked out of our selves.