Primary Foods

By Joshua Rosenthal

Everything we consider as a source of nutrition is really just a secondary source of nourishment. The foods you eat are secondary to all the other things that feed you—your relationships, career, spirituality, and exercise routine. I call these things primary foods. All that we consider today as nutrition is really just a secondary source of energy.

Think back to a time when you were passionately in love. Everything was exciting. Colors were vibrant. Intimacy was magical. Your lover’s touch and feelings of exhilaration sustained you. You were floating on air, gazing into each other’s eyes. You forgot about food and were high on life.

Remember when, as a child, you were playing outside, having fun? Suddenly, your mother announced dinner was ready, but you were not hungry at all. The passion of play took all of your attention.

Sometimes we are fed not by food but by the energy in our lives. These moments and feelings demonstrate that everything is food. We take in thousands of experiences in life that can fulfill us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

We hunger for play, touch, romance, intimacy, love, achievement, success, art, music, self-expression, leadership, excitement, adventure and spirituality.

All of these elements are essential forms of nourishment. The extent to which we are able to incorporate them determines how enjoyable and worthwhile our lives feel.

It may seem strange to talk about relationships in a column devoted to nutrition, but over the years I’ve found that good health is determined by a lot more than what’s on your plate.

Intimate relationships nourish body, mind and spirit. They warm the soul and soften the heart. The quality of these relationships says a lot about the quality of our lives and our health.

When it comes to relationships, especially intimate relationships, effective speaking and listening are the key to staying connected and nourishing one another. But you’ve probably noticed that it’s very rare to have a conversation with someone who actually listens to what you are saying, without interruption or judgment.

Most people live in their heads, thinking about what they have to do tomorrow, what happened yesterday or an hour ago—pretty much anything except the present moment. Have you ever been to a party where someone asked you a question and then didn’t listen to a word of your response? These interactions happen all the time. It is equally unusual that we listen to another person without interrupting them, judging or planning what we’re going to say next.

We are all starving to be heard. Healing occurs when people listen to us and when we listen to them. By harnessing the power of listening, you can greatly improve all your relationships.

When in conversation with others, try to concentrate and listen to what they are saying. While they are speaking put all thoughts about yourself out of your head and be present for them. The other person will feel heard and appreciated. This habit will greatly improve the quality of your communication.

Many, many loving and caring couples struggle in their relationships because of communication problems. Sometimes one partner does all the talking, and the other partner does all the listening. Perhaps they only talk about their problems and not about what they love about the other person. Maybe they never talk about their problems but save them up until one day it all comes out in a hurtful manner and the relationship ends. A helpful exercise for any couple is to speak regularly about the positive and negative elements of their relationship and to practice listening to one another.

I recommend scheduling a specific time when both people have enough time and space to discuss delicate issues in a calm and sincere way. You should plan to talk in a space that feels private and safe. You can help establish a healing, positive environment by lighting a candle, playing some uplifting music or sharing a favorite dessert.

Begin by looking at the positive. Take turns. Each partner should speak, uninterrupted, for as long as he or she wants about everything that is going well in the relationship. Some things to mention might be how the other person makes you feel, qualities of your partner that you appreciate, gratitude for specific ways in which your partner has supported you lately, and admiration of the other person’s appearance.

Brag about all the aspects of your relationship that are going well, and allow yourself to fully verbalize and appreciate the other person. One partner should listen carefully and take in all that the other person is saying without interrupting. Then switch so that each person has a chance to speak and to listen.

Take as much time as you want to cover everything that is going well. The bond you share is something worth acknowledging and celebrating. When you have both spoken, take a short break. Sit silently for a few moments, absorbing what each person has said.

Next, take note of one or two aspects of your relationship that you would like to see improved. Maybe it’s something simple, like household responsibilities, or maybe it’s something deeper and sensitive, like wanting more quality time for intimacy and togetherness, or the opposite, maybe a little bit of space would be refreshing.

Repeat the same structure as above, allowing one partner to speak openly about his or her feelings and perspective, while the other partner listens carefully, and then switch. You can remedy problems more easily once each of you clearly understands what the other wants.

During this exercise, practice communicating without blame to offer solutions and to explain how you would like your relationship to grow. Remember, the aim is to strengthen the flow of nourishing energy that passes between two people. You are fine-tuning the recipe for long-term satisfaction.

Sometimes a partner may want what the other cannot give. When this happens, don’t fall into the trap of resignation. Instead, consider the possibility of asking for outside help.

We are not islands. We all have the same basic issues and we don’t have to deal with them in isolation. Counseling and support groups are available for every aspect of personal relationships.

Once you view your relationship as a form of nourishment, it becomes natural to seek out ways to improve and sustain it so both you and your partner can feel satisfied.

Illustration by Leah Lin

JOSHUA ROSENTHAL is the founder of The Institute for Integrative Nutrition in New York City. This has now become the largest nutrition school in the world, offering students access to the world’s foremost authorities on health and nutrition, as well as a certificate from Teachers College at Columbia University. www.integrativenutrition.com